What To Do When Your Wallet Is Stolen

Someone broke into my garage, and while I was at the hardware store to get replacement latches and hinges, someone pinched my wallet out of my coat pocket.

After cancelling the cards, ordering replacements, filing a police report and requesting a replacement ID and health care card, I decided to make a new wallet.

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Step 1. Anger. Frustration. Gall-ed-ness. Lament the time you have to spend to replace all your stuff. Lament that you only have a handful of cards to even help you lay the wallet out. Use the gift card you kept on the fridge. Lament that the CJSR perks card you just had replaced for 2018 is now outdated and useless. Lament that you’re still keeping a loyalty card for a pita place you haven’t been to since you graduated from university. Lay the cards out on a Tyvek envelope in a 2×3 pattern. If you’re too angry to measure, don’t sweat it. I actually only used the ruler for a straight edge and eyeballed the whole thing.

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Tyvek is the most durable choice, but paper will also work. It can be reinforced with packing tape if needed.

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This an appropriate size for a six-pocket design. Room between the cards allow the wallet to flex properly.

Step 2. Blame. Was it my fault for turning my back on my coat? Who picks a pocket in hardware store? What is their life like? Are they desperate? Opportunistic? Just plain mean? Can I blame socio-economic circumstances, or perhaps their parents? Do I blame whoever broke into my garage in the first place? How is their life situation? and so on. Cut the envelope into a tube about two cards plus  about five centimeters wide. Fold the edges over, then straighten them. Make sure that the resulting width is wider than the height of two bills. Be glad that you actually did not have any cash in the wallet when it was stolen. Use a five from your change bowl to make the measurement. Secure the edges with tape

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Try not to think about the fact that you stole that knife from a job you worked in high school

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as long as you straighten out the fold, it won’t matterif the cut edge isn’t quite straight.

Step 3. Passivity. Let it all go. It’s not that hard to get stuff replaced, even if it is time consuming. You’re gonna be fine. Nobody held a knife to your throat, and although the perp got away with the necessaries for identity theft, they probably just took the starbucks gift card with $4.09 on it and threw the rest away. Your old wallet was this sweet Gama-Go thing that you paid too much money for, but it was actually really bulky, and, frankly, too nice to be a real functional piece. Fold half of your tube into the other half. Then fold it into three segments.

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At this stage the wallet may also be worn as a hat.

 

 

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It might take a little time for the Tyvek to accept the folds. Give it a day or so. the nice thing about that is you can adjust them easily to make them look nice and neat.

Step 4. Stop Worrying about it. This wallet is actually looking pretty good. Add some stickers. You can protect them with adhesive laminate. Unfold the wallet before applying the laminate so you can hide the seams in the fold. These stickers are from @mugsie_ on instagram.

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The loons were a gift from a friend and I have no idea where they might be from.

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I put them on upside down and it’s too late to do anything about it now. Oh well.

Your new tyvek wallet is cheap and lightweight. As long as it’s folded, nothing will fall out of it. I briefly entertained the idea of putting aluminum tape on the inside fold for RFID protection but then it occurred to me that I have no idea if that would actually work. It probably wouldn’t.

My new ID and credit card should be here in a week.

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About Jesse Conlang

Jesse Conlang lives in Edmonton, Alberta, where he has trained squirrels to operate pens and pencils at his whim. You can probably tell that by the quality of the work.
This entry was posted in Stuff I made and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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